I really need Christianity to work for me… with Tasha Layton
Tasha Layton has a vulnerable conversation with us about her battling the lies she was listening to about herself. This led to thoughts of suicide as she battled depression. If this is relatable to you, we encourage you to hear what Tasha has to say about how she found healing in this one-of-a-kind Healing Out Loud video.
View this video with Tasha Layton and other Healing Out Loud videos in this YouTube Playlist.
The lowest point
When I was in my late teens, I ended up trying to commit suicide. And I think at that point I was at a lowest of low and really needed Christianity to work for me.
I think I realized I’ve lived my whole life thinking that I knew who I was and claiming to have my identity in Christ sorted and yet didn’t.
After years of counseling, Tasha realized there were many seemingly small and insignificant yet painful life events that piled up for years.
A good example would be when I was little, I came in to tell my dad something at the dinner table from school that was really excited about. He had had a hard day and he kind of spoke to me sternly to be quiet. It seemed really insignificant to me thinking back on it in my 20s sitting in a counselor’s chair.
And yet when I look back, I realized, oh, I took some messages from that that weren’t true.
So I realized in that moment I felt ashamed.
Over time these small events began to speak lies into Tasha’s life about her own self-worth.
And then I had vowed to myself. I’ll never let anyone get to know me. I’m not worth getting to know.
For so many years, I would cry out in my car, “God, when am I going to feel free? When am I going to feel your healing in my life? When am I going to walk in what you’ve called me to do and not be so afraid?” And so when I was in my late 20s, I realized I need to dig a little deeper and find out what’s actually going on.
Tasha Layton on discovering where these thoughts are coming from
So I took some time to really think about where are the roots of the things that I’m feeling, what is actually happening in my life? It took me through a process of healing and I realized late 20s sitting on that therapist’s couch that I was living that lie from my childhood.
I invited Jesus into that moment because God stands outside of time. He was there when it happened, but he’s still there. And so I invited Jesus into that moment and I said, “Holy Spirit, take me back to that place.”
And I could literally smell the room around me. My mom had the windows open to let some of the summer air in and I realized Jesus was there. He was sitting right next to me at the table.
And when I said “God, what do you want to say to me in that moment? What do you want to say about how I’m feeling and what I’m believing?” I felt so known and so loved and so accepted, and it moved the truth from my head to my heart.
When I said “God, what do you want to say to me in that moment? What do you want to say about how I’m feeling and what I’m believing?” I felt so known and so loved and so accepted…Tasha Layton
In my life, I never thought I could feel free. For years, I thought there’s no way that I can be as free as I want to feel inside.
Having been a person who has come back from a suicide attempt, I thought I was too far gone. And God has so met me in those moments. The whole time, even in the darkest moments, even in that room when I had a gun to my head, even in the times I was crying out of my car and hitting the steering wheel, like he was there.
That looks like joy.
It looks like not caring what other people think.
It looks like not being afraid to make a mistake.
Going outside of the parameters of this square box that I think I’m capable of.
Treating people with love and kindness and not feeling like I have to defend myself when they do me wrong.
It looks like dancing and jumping in worship and not caring what anyone thinks. It’s the whole dance like no one’s watching.
When I got a glimpse of how God felt about me, I started treating other people differently and that is freedom for me.